my new career in the fashion industry
i was thinking of changing boats mid-stream. this whole rocket scientist/outer space heart surgeon bit is wearing me down. (contrary to popular belief, it is in fact quite difficult to both man the ship- or should i say woman the ship?- and perform open heart surgery at the same time. i'm not really sure where or how that rumor got started, but it's a load of phooey.) anywho, i was thinking maybe i'd try my hand at design. i jotted down a couple of notes on a bag i'm thinking of producing and was hoping to get some feedback from you, my closest friends (whoever you are). let me know what you think! i'll walk you through the steps of my (ahem) creation so you can get a visual.
(you're welcome)
1.) make the bag big and brown and out of psuedo-leather. when i say big, i mean BIG- big enough to fit a couple of ugly, bitch-ass poodles in there. make sure the brown is the color of shit in the morning.
2.) trim the dark shit-in-the-morning brown with a light shit-in-the-afternoon brown. one brown should look like cocoa and the other brown should look like cocoa's inept, unsuccessful, pathetic little brother.
3.) now, add to the dark shit brown the graphic of some flowers. the flowers should be reject-bridesmaid-gown-circa-1992 pink, outlined in a darker, much more sorry pink. a hangover sort of pink. spread these pink flowers so that they are evenly spaced, every few inches or so. make sure there are enough of them so that people looking at the bag won't forget: FUCKIN' UGLY FLOWERS!
4.) maybe for the sake of irony, or just to add some pizazz, go ahead and throw in some smiley faces. that's right- fuckin' smiley faces. we're going all out here, people. i know it's ballsy, but if i'm gonna make it in the rough world of high fashion, i have to be willing to take some risks.
5.) and now you're thinking "what about the clasps?" i was just getting to those. the clasps need to be big. bold. they need to make a statement, to reach across the room and grab some asshole by the collar. they need to scream "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS CLASP?!!" i suggest robbing a pirate ship's cellar- the hulky clasps on a treasure chest would do perfectly.
6.) next, in case the clasps aren't enough, go ahead and stud the entire outer edges of the purse with little gold-plated horns- like the kind you see on punk rock bracelets, only in fake gold. be sure the gold is not only fake, but super duper fake.
7.) last, but not least, go ahead and fill in the remaining graphic space with some floating flower petals and my initials. make sure my initials are written in a script that is reminiscent of the roman era. something along the lines of times new roman.
and then, voila! there you have it! zulema's fashion purse. pretty swell, eh?
oh, wait a second. somebody already designed that purse. his name is louis vitton or some shit, and IT'S THE UGLIEST FUCKING PURSE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! AND IF YOU OWN ONE, YOU'RE RETARDED AND I HATE YOU!
the end.
(you're welcome)
1.) make the bag big and brown and out of psuedo-leather. when i say big, i mean BIG- big enough to fit a couple of ugly, bitch-ass poodles in there. make sure the brown is the color of shit in the morning.
2.) trim the dark shit-in-the-morning brown with a light shit-in-the-afternoon brown. one brown should look like cocoa and the other brown should look like cocoa's inept, unsuccessful, pathetic little brother.
3.) now, add to the dark shit brown the graphic of some flowers. the flowers should be reject-bridesmaid-gown-circa-1992 pink, outlined in a darker, much more sorry pink. a hangover sort of pink. spread these pink flowers so that they are evenly spaced, every few inches or so. make sure there are enough of them so that people looking at the bag won't forget: FUCKIN' UGLY FLOWERS!
4.) maybe for the sake of irony, or just to add some pizazz, go ahead and throw in some smiley faces. that's right- fuckin' smiley faces. we're going all out here, people. i know it's ballsy, but if i'm gonna make it in the rough world of high fashion, i have to be willing to take some risks.
5.) and now you're thinking "what about the clasps?" i was just getting to those. the clasps need to be big. bold. they need to make a statement, to reach across the room and grab some asshole by the collar. they need to scream "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS CLASP?!!" i suggest robbing a pirate ship's cellar- the hulky clasps on a treasure chest would do perfectly.
6.) next, in case the clasps aren't enough, go ahead and stud the entire outer edges of the purse with little gold-plated horns- like the kind you see on punk rock bracelets, only in fake gold. be sure the gold is not only fake, but super duper fake.
7.) last, but not least, go ahead and fill in the remaining graphic space with some floating flower petals and my initials. make sure my initials are written in a script that is reminiscent of the roman era. something along the lines of times new roman.
and then, voila! there you have it! zulema's fashion purse. pretty swell, eh?
oh, wait a second. somebody already designed that purse. his name is louis vitton or some shit, and IT'S THE UGLIEST FUCKING PURSE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! AND IF YOU OWN ONE, YOU'RE RETARDED AND I HATE YOU!
the end.
posted by zipper @ 11:06 PM
0 comments
