A nasty litte rumor

it seems, my dear friends, that, much to my horror and dismay, my good name is slowly but surely being ruined. as it turns out, a nasty little rumor has being going around about me- a rumor that is wholly and completely untrue. this 'nasty little rumor', as i have taken to calling him, may have come to you via the wings of that wretched 'little yellow bird'. (for the record, that little yellow bird can kiss my fat ass, that's for sure.) regardless, i have taken the time to compose a letter to a woman by the name of katie- a woman whom i have never met, but whom i'm sure is a delightful and spirited soul. it has been reported to me that she was the first to receive this ill-conceived, mal-intended (if such a word exists) rumor. thus, i would like to cut this river of deciet off at the source. i encourage you, reader and friend, to take note of what you read here and to pass it on. my reputation is on the line.
also, for convenience's sake, i have written the letter in a form derived from the movie Rushmore, starring Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, and that sassy British woman whose name i do not know. i thought the pop culture reference would make the unpalatable content much more, um, palatable.

A Letter to Katie ala (sorta) Dirk's letter to Max in the acclaimed film Rushmore (starring Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, and that sassy British woman whose name I do not know).
A one-act play, in letter form, by Zulema Summerfield (me)

Dear Katie,
I am writing in order to dispel a rumor that our mutual friend, ____, has brought to my attention; indeed, a rumor that he himself started. In order to stave off castigation and to preserve my already-faltering dignity, I have taken it upon myself to catch these ghastly little gnat lies and to squish them between my fingers until their little heads go *pop*. The rumor about me "buttering _____'s popcorn" is simply NOT true. Never has been. Never will be. Admittedly, I do consider myself to be a chameleon of sorts in the bedroom- that is, if my partner says "Hey baby, strip for me!", then suddenly I'm a skanky ho; or "Smack my ass and call me Do Da!", well, then, count me in. I'm willing to conform so that my partner can realize his (or her) dreams and fantasies, right in the comfort of their own home (or public urinal, municipal park, etc.) However, I feel it is paramount to let it be known that I have not participated in (nor will I ever) jerking somebody off through a hole at the bottom of a bucket of popcorn.
That would be a waste of perfectly good popcorn.

Your pal,
Zulema